Victim of Cancer

I was going to write a post.. but i heard this song on my Ipod today and i hae not heard it in a long time. What an amazing message and song this is. I strongly recommed listening to this song its by Baz Luhrmann and its called ‘Everybody’s free (to wear sunscreen).  enjoy

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself. Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s. Enjoy your body,
use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

My father always told me while I was growing up to ‘learn how to duck’  For years I never knew what that meant, I would just run my mouth and let the ensuing trouble happen.  It was not until much later that I realized the importance and power of this statement.  Sadly not until after his death did I truly learn how to duck

            This is kinda like the words of wisdom the bunny got in Bambi.  “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” Well after my fathers passing, I had tons to say, but those who wanted to listen would change their mind once I went off on them.  I  have been known to say some pretty insensitive things in the heat of the moment.  I just call it venting.  But no matter what I call it, its just a name that I use to justify my rude behavior.

            I especially upset those who love me with my sly remarks and hurtful implications.  I still have this problem, I still run my mouth even when I know that it will hurt those most dear to me.  However, while I am doing it, I don’t seem to mind, even though I know its wrong and in the long run hurt not only the ones closet to me but also myself for loosing control and bringing down others.

            On the other hand there are times in life when things just seem out of control, finances, girlfriend, boyfriend, moms, dads, friends, sometimes you just feel like you are spiraling out of control and you get so ticked off that you want to bring down others, because they should be hurt too if you are.

            WHAT  A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE OUTLOOK.  Like I have sounds many many times before, life is so short and to spend that time being miserable or mouthy or rude or hurtful to any body who loves you or even a stranger is not worth the energy that it consumes.  Nor the energy that it drains after you are done.  When I approach any situation I just think to myself ‘learn how to duck’

Life is soo short, I know realize this.  I only really became aware to this because after my fathers passing I would be more sensitive to my environments: people, places, conversation, any thing.   and I would find my self always thinking

why am I here?  This is not what I want to be doing right

I began to say that over and over in my head if I was out at a party or hanging out with a group of friends that did not bring about positive thinking or more importantly FUN.  I have realized in the last couple of years that I will only hang out those people and do the activities that I think are worth my wild and can just forget about the world with, not get caught up in its infinite stress.

Life is too short to be stuck in a stressful environment or surround yourself with friends that make you feel ‘blah’ all the time. I even quit my job because of this, I cut back my hours and my stress level started to influx and went through the roof, and that was just a part time waiter job.  And I remember thinking

Life is too short to start bringing home the stress from my part time job, having it start to create an adverse effect on my everyday life

I choose to deal with this dilemma by personally deciding on what and who I will hang out with or take part in.  My motto now is

I only hang out with a select few now, and if you didn’t make it, try again later

The other day this site received a comment under the post ‘PAIN.’  The post read as such:

I’m sorry your father died, but tons of people die of cancer everyday. Making a blog wont bring him back. Move on….

Dear person who wrote this.

 I thank you for taking the time to come to my site and read all my postings, that was nice of you.  However i do not think that you truly understand the circumstances under which i am writing.  Yes you made a completely valid point, ‘this blog wont bring him back’  I think i know that.  I feel that you probably have not been through any kinda tragic experience if your life so you can so casually make a cold post.

If you ever had experienced pain and tragedy then i am sorry that this is your outlook towards the world now, because for me, this is moving on as you so eloquently put it.  The fact that i am finally able to spread the word of my father and the lost that i have been through is moving on.  For many people they have regrets and are never able to move on or truly take on the events that have occurred full force and conquer them.  The fact that i am here today writing about the great and horrid moments of my life with my father is moving on.

I assume that you have not experienced pain and even looking past your insincere words, i hope that you dont have too.  I hope that you can maintain your ignorant outlook towards life and enjoy the simplicity that you might take advantage of, never really appreciating all you have.  Or i can be completely wrong about you and you have been through soo much that you just are sour at the world and take your aggression out towards others who have found peace and worked past their setbacks to come out on top.  Or for another option, you are just a kid that is trying to make a few jokes, hoping to impress your friends. 

Still for whatever reason, you still came to my site and you still expressed your opinion, which is what this site is here for; YOU. 

When this life of material goods and need for the newest, brightest, biggest and most expensive becomes standard than people are in trouble. In our society today people demand everything, we are getting way ahead of ourselves as a whole and don’t place any value on anything anymore. It is never enough to just get by comfortably, its now a plastic card world that puts us deeper and deeper into a Rome economy with barbarians waiting at our borders to raid us.

I sat in class today writing about word war 2, I wrote the number of soldiers that had got killed from Rhode Island. With every curve of the 2 and line of the 1 and corners of the 5 and roundness of the 0 I found that to some this is just another mindless number that they forget about after they class. But while I was writing this, I pictured in my head the thousands of men who gave their life for us, I pictured their screams and faces, their families left behind and the lives that never got to know. I felt such pain when I wrote that statistic and I feel that I was probably the only one in my class that was bothered by this, most I know were thinking

oh that’s all that died.. that’s not that many

Since my fathers death I have learned to place value on everything, my mind, my friends, my family, my downtime, my busy time, my life. I now have learned though trial and error to find joy in almost everything I do. It was so hard to enjoy life for so long. I remember being down and out and depressed and in bed for hours of the day just ‘wasting’ away. When I snapped out of that depression I feel so deeply into I found that I should enjoy life as much as I can because being depressed or not the world still turns and the only I will lose our is if I stop turning.

I do not want to mislead, I love the feel of buying and spending money.. I am just not out everyday spending or upgrading. Like I said I learned to place a value on everything now. I still get upset or jealous over people who talk about all the money they spend or things they have done or will do soon, they have no value on what they do because they have never been without. My reaction is natural; anybody who does not get jealous would be lying. Its how you handle it that makes you who you are. I have learned that there are people in the world who have and those who have nots. But not just in material goods, in life knowledge and experience.

The simple days are the hardest. The days where you just drive and your mind wonders.. it wonders down all the hallways that you may have forgotten about in your mind that become open after you see that one object, person, building or anything that reminds me of my father. Even a certain smell reminds me of him, for me its cement and other construction materials, since that was his job.

Most of the time when I see these things or smell these things or think of these things I get so happy because I am overwhelmed of amazing memories that have slipped my mind. The little things. But its always the little things that make it the hardest. For example holidays and other major events I prepare myself for, I am ready to be sad and depressed so I can bear with the pain better. Its those days that it just hits you that are always the hardest for me.

Today it was the sun out and my Ipod blasting great 70’s hits and I drove past a couple of masons on the way to school. Things like this are what choke me up, I am not ready and I cant help but cry. I do not sob, well sometimes I do, but I feel that a cry every now and then is a good thing. I just got hit with memories of working outside and having a great time with my father, having great conversations and loving every second I was doing this work with him. I guess in life though that it’s the little things that can have the biggest effect on you

Today is weird. I sat down and traced my life back to my fathers passing. It is so bittersweet when looking back at your accomplishments. And to think where you would be if my father was still here. I often think of these things. The path that I would have taken is 100% different than where I am today under the uncontrollable circumstances of my fathers death. I can pinpoint all the changes that have occurred and feel so guilty sometimes because I am only who I am today because of my fathers passing, and I am soo torn because I am truly happy with who I am.

I get conflicted because I think back and wonder if i would understand and cherish the happiness that I feel today as much as if I had not experienced this tragedy. I often wonder if I would still be that kid who got mad and would flip out at anything or anybody, harboring a complete unnecessary rage that I had when my father was around. Now I am more peaceful and have a much wiser understanding of the world and can comprehend feelings more: mine and others. I have made great strides in life since my fathers passing. I have tackled obstacles and life in ways that I never even thought possible. I have lived out some of my dreams and working on the rest. And all this came at the expense of my fathers passing.

I miss him and he is in my thoughts and every move everyday but it aches me to know that he is only watching me live my life.. .he is not here living his life with mine. I am who I am today because I was able to turn grief and sadness into a positive light and use that light to find my happiness and self. Though it took years to find who I have become, I know look back and see where I have come from, my father. My father was such a good man that with out him and my love for him and his for me I would not have been able to turn my grief into finding my dreams. I now live my life by one and only one motto. That is that I will be ‘dead by 50’

I live by this motto because life is soo short and you never know when your going to go.  My father passed away at 50 and though he made a living working a good job that was rewarding and he did enjoy.  It was not what he wanted to do, my father never was able to live his dreams and he passed away only  having worked his whole life away.  I do not want to work my whole life away doing something i do not want to truly be doing.  I have dreams and goals that i would like to do before i too pass away and i am trying to live life like i will be ‘dead by 50‘

here is a song that was played at my fathers funeral by my friend who sung it.  This was my fathers song, he loved the words and message and now i will share his favorite song with you: 100 years by five for fighting.

I’m 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I’m 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we’re on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I’m 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I’m a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I’m 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I’m heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I’m all right with you
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We’re moving on…
I’m 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there’s still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day’s a new day…
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Day two… so many highs and lows. I remember my cousin came over my house to make up an ‘I love you will’, just a simple will that gave my mother everything in case my father passed away. Yeah we didn’t even have a will until two days before my father passed away. The things that make their way to the back burner in life, sometimes they are the most important things.

I remember this day so vividly. This was the last day I heard my father laugh.. the last time I saw him able to stand… the last time I saw him as himself. At this point the cancer was destroying his body, making its way through his lungs and up his spine and into his brain.

That night he was suffering so bad, he could barley breath, it was just raspy breathes that would sneak out of his dried thirsty lips and even his lips looked like they hurt. But in the day, during the day he was in high spirits. My mom, brother and I sat around my dad on the couch, we were watching Eddie Izzard, the stand up comedian, he was one of my dads favorites. The best part was to hear him still say some of the lines and laugh and you could tell by his face that he was so happy to have us all together.

I remember being happy that we where all together. The day before scared me soo bad, I had no idea how he would wake up on Saturday. To my surprise he could walk, well he could run quick and the pain would not be as severe. Or he just could bare it. I don’t know, but I still kept getting tricked into thinking maybe he was getting better. I kept falling into that false hope that he would get better. I could not think of him dealing with this and I knew my dad was a fighter and he would never give up.

That night he just lay in bed, I don’t even remember what he did, I just remember him staring up at the ceiling, body stiff and his mind filled probably with nasty thoughts as the cancer noticeable started to affect his mind and consensus. It is like a nightmare thinking back being with my father in the morning and he had his wits about him and by the night he is just passing in and out and barely comprehending what is going on.

The last thing I remember of the night is going in and saying good night with my mom sleeping on the chair next to him. I remember as I look up at pictures above my computer is that damn smirk… I miss seeing him smile behind his bushy mustache.

The last weekend:

The last few days of my fathers life on earth were so unbearable, they dragged by, though that’s not a bad thing, I remember thinking how’s it going to be after, when is it going to happen. Before my father passed he was in and out of the hospital getting checked for the fluid that just appeared in his lungs. His regular doctor was away, another doctor took my fathers case over and diagnosed him with phenomena. WRONG. His lungs and whole body were getting taken over by cancer. It was finally starting to win, though I still had to be his 2%. I didn’t know how much longer I could hold on to myself though.

The three days started with my father getting out of the car in our driveway and looking at my brother and I, and in his still optimistic self with that smirk on his face that could still trick me into thinking things would be OK he said….

Third round and the gloves are off

Even when things looked at there most grim and his real doctor gave him six weeks he still did not get down and made at least me feel better hearing my father still being himself. That night in fact he would sit up with my mother, I remember I was out with my friends and I called to see how he was doing. He was up watching TV and I remember thinking at that time that he might just keep pulling rabbits out of his hat and beat this cancer. I was wrong.

Day 1

It was a Friday, my mother had gone to work and I stayed home to be with my father. This was the first day that he did not get up for work. He tried, all he did was try. The time between the night before and Friday morning was unreal, the pain of the cancer spreading had set it.

I was upstairs for sometime and I would hear my father try to stand. The agonizing screams that he would make trying to stand made me wish I was deaf so I did not have to hear the crippling yells and grunts coming from my father. I mean, here is a man who I have never even seen cry and now he is not even able to stand. I felt so useless. He could not even get his pants on because he could not bend at the mid section because if he did, it would be more pain and hard breathing and hyper ventilating and crying and suffering and discomfort.

The funny thing about the day was how determined he was to get to work. My brother was at a job site, doing some stone work for my dad, and my dad was going to get to work, hell or high water. It may have taken him two hours to get dressed because he was not able to, but before the sun set he was going to work.

When he was ready to leave I parked my car with the passenger door holding open my side door, I was basically parked on the stairs. My father found his strength and climbs the stairs, resting every couple of steps.

We made it to work, my dad sat with the car seat all the way up and his feet on the dashboard, making him into a ‘V’ shape, I guess that eased the pain in the car. He took a digital camera and had my brother take pictures of what he was doing.

He actually made me go to dunkin dounuts to get a Tropicana Orange Juice Coolatta, he loved them. I remember he had three that day. He would not drink them all, but he loved having a fresh one around. Driving was such sooo stressful. Every bump I hit that day would make him moan and ‘Ahh.’

When I got home I could not take watching him be in such pain, I called my mom at work and she came home to take care of him.

The only other thing I remember was my mother coming upstairs into my bedroom, she just sat on my bed crying, balling her eyes out. That was the first time we truly had no control over this scenario anymore.

Turned up side down, thrown into disorder, blind and lost in a big world that took slow sips of my body and would never give me a break. After my father passed away that is how I felt, as I am sure thousands of others have. From the time of the funereal to now, there has been such chaos flying at my family and me from all directions and the only way to get through it is to just fall and hope that somebody will catch you.

My faith helped carry me through all my times, good and bad. There are times when I would be completely down and out, not sure where to go in life, not sure how I would afford to get by, not sure why things never got any easier. I do not want to sound like I would demand things to be done for me, or sit around waiting for a miracle.

There is a great story that I have heard, and think about it all the time.

A man is drowning in the ocean. He looks up at the heavens and asks God to save him. Soon a row boat comes along and asks if he needs help. The man says

“no, God will save me”

The row boat leaves. Next a yacht comes by. Same thing, the yachts caption asks the drowning man if he needs help.

“no, God will save me”

After the yacht leaves, one more ship comes by, it is a Navy boat. The Navy asks the drowning man if he needs help.

“no, God will save me”

The Navy leaves. No more boats come by and the man drowns.

At heavens gate the drowning man asks God why he did not save him. God replied..

“I sent you three boats”

I love this story; it shows how people ask God for help in life. But they never know when their help has arrived because they are waiting for the big answer that will help all their problems, a giant sign. Like the drowning man waiting for a sign from God that he would be saved. , because three boats where not what he was expecting, he wanted for light to come down and save him, the boats where the light.

I have lived my life in blind faith; part of where I am going is to know where I have come from. I look at how far I have made it. Is the path I walk paved with gold? No, the path I walk on is covered in vines that I get caught in and thorns that I get cut on. On the same path there are also flowers that I take the time to smell and I know that as long as I don’t stop walking, I will be able to reach a part of the path where it is cleared out and I am covered by the leaves to stay safe and dry and walk on a compacted ground that is stable and firm to rest on.

I swear that I have been kicked around from close friends, or people i thought were close friends to bill collectors, to school, to the everyday pains of life that take its toll on you. But if you keep your head up and your eyes open, there is a answer. You will have to work for it, but if you put the time in there will be the shining light on the other side.