‘Dead by fifty’
Today is weird. I sat down and traced my life back to my fathers passing. It is so bittersweet when looking back at your accomplishments. And to think where you would be if my father was still here. I often think of these things. The path that I would have taken is 100% different than where I am today under the uncontrollable circumstances of my fathers death. I can pinpoint all the changes that have occurred and feel so guilty sometimes because I am only who I am today because of my fathers passing, and I am soo torn because I am truly happy with who I am.
I get conflicted because I think back and wonder if i would understand and cherish the happiness that I feel today as much as if I had not experienced this tragedy. I often wonder if I would still be that kid who got mad and would flip out at anything or anybody, harboring a complete unnecessary rage that I had when my father was around. Now I am more peaceful and have a much wiser understanding of the world and can comprehend feelings more: mine and others. I have made great strides in life since my fathers passing. I have tackled obstacles and life in ways that I never even thought possible. I have lived out some of my dreams and working on the rest. And all this came at the expense of my fathers passing.
I miss him and he is in my thoughts and every move everyday but it aches me to know that he is only watching me live my life.. .he is not here living his life with mine. I am who I am today because I was able to turn grief and sadness into a positive light and use that light to find my happiness and self. Though it took years to find who I have become, I know look back and see where I have come from, my father. My father was such a good man that with out him and my love for him and his for me I would not have been able to turn my grief into finding my dreams. I now live my life by one and only one motto. That is that I will be ‘dead by 50’
I live by this motto because life is soo short and you never know when your going to go. My father passed away at 50 and though he made a living working a good job that was rewarding and he did enjoy. It was not what he wanted to do, my father never was able to live his dreams and he passed away only having worked his whole life away. I do not want to work my whole life away doing something i do not want to truly be doing. I have dreams and goals that i would like to do before i too pass away and i am trying to live life like i will be ‘dead by 50‘
here is a song that was played at my fathers funeral by my friend who sung it. This was my fathers song, he loved the words and message and now i will share his favorite song with you: 100 years by five for fighting.
I’m 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
I’m 22 for a moment
She feels better than ever
And we’re on fire
Making our way back from Mars
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
I’m 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I’m a they
A kid on the way
A family on my mind
I’m 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I’m heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy, Time to lose yourself
Within a morning star
15 I’m all right with you
15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
Half time goes by
Suddenly you’re wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We’re moving on…
I’m 99 for a moment
Dying for just another moment
And I’m just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are
15 there’s still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you’re on your way
Every day’s a new day…
15 there’s still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there’s never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live
